Yet again my suicidal self is taking over, I tell it to shut up, to wait for a different day, to go until some pointless objective that somehow will make it all worthwhile... But it won't, will it?
Deep down I know it won't, and that alone can make it not...
Being that i've always been a people person, and now changed into a much more loner type i wonder when, and if, i'll become social again...
Devoid of passion, of interest, of purpose...
Things just seem like they won't get better, it's not that i'm depressed, i'm not. I spend my days smiling whenever i'm around people i'm mildly happy, and also when i'm alone most of the time i'm ok as well...
But why the fuck did i go and fuck it all up 3 times...
I've considered that i should talk with someone, but i can't, because the people i would like to speak either don't want to listen, don't want relate, and the ones who do just make me hurt myself even more.
somehow things just don't happen, somehow i just can't solve this puzzle.
Somehow i just feel like i don't fit here, also i didn't fit where i was, i wonder when will i find a place where i'll feel ok, where i'll feel that i finally arrived...
They say that home is where the heart is, well mine isn't anywhere to be found, well i know who i left it with i just can't figure out a way to getting it back, so that means that i'll be displaced everywhere i try...
even when my mind is clear i feel like shooting myself down, because nothing really matters does it... not for me anyway... i have no idea for how long i'll be able to sustain this pain of loneliness...
honestly, at the moment i'd settle with something major happening in my life to take me away from the boredom from the dark still waters that my mind and heart have become...
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