#14,064

586 days I've been on this past, longer if i assume that it started when i became myself.

I was so many things in the past, so many different people... 

I studded when i saw you, now it just feels like a dream... and in my dreams you have been, some good, most the closer i've been to night terrors, waking up sweaty and afraid, and unable to sleep unless i drink myself down and bring my other sadder, but not scared, self...

the hole i feel whenever i think of you, and i do, in every moment i relate you, i see you in the grass as it grows, in the wind as it cherishes my skin, in the words i speak, in the faces i see, in the sky above, in places i visit, the doors i pass...

Hard, i try hard.... I let go i don't even try, i forget only to remember only to feel the pain...

Loneliness is though burden, one i've been carrying for quite some time, far longer than i wished, but i guess it's not misery, as misery loves company, and i don't have...

Then there's me, or what's left of me, a mere vessel for the void i created, i honestly don't see a path anymore, i lack the discipline to keep moving...

Could this mean i've arrived? that i got lost and just stopped caring? 

I fantasize, i dream about the day when i'll make sense of myself. I refrain myself from reckless destruction, i take refuge in pointless social encounters, in futile tv shows, in more work than i can possibly handle, in doing better for everyone else but for me...

And looking back when i had enough self loathing to fire up the world i was by far a lot happier than now, i lacked the inner peace that i have now, but i also felt the fire of life of happiness...

shouldn't happiness be the goal? shouldn't i just let go and see what happens?

Taking the options into consideration what's the point of holding out for something, waiting for a better time to make a decision, why not just fuck it, why not just try whatever is i want? why not just be lazy and fat and drunk and high? Is that that much worse than this? what i'm working for here? self improvement? self respect? self boredom...

utterly adrift...

50,630,400.... and counting...