random thought #58

pain...
A heart can only endure so much pain, a mind can only endure so much failure and a soul can only endure so much loneliness...
I'm trying to drown the pain, but it returns every night, every moment alone... I try not to focus on it, but it demands my attention...
I don't dwell on it's reasons, i accept it as is. I know that i hurt myself again...
I can physically feel my heartache, it consumes all of me... rendering me functionless...
I've been here before, and maybe i'll be here again, maybe i'll leave here...
I wish for so many things, these wishes happy as they are for the moment they exist only sharpen it, the pain...
I, again, have no one to blame, no one but me. No one that will come to my rescue...
Every song hurts a bit more, every image, every shadow...
I'm sorry for so much, and disappointed at myself for having to be like this.
The path i chose to walk is proving to be much more painful than i anticipated. Like a dark forest full of shadows i can't see a light, only darkness...
I so feel like quitting...
I so feel like letting go...
But i won't, i'll try not to.
I'll cry, i'll harm myself some more, i'll drink myself to sleep...
But i'll walk away, i'll close it in a box and learn to live with myself. Alone if it must, but i'll do it.
Fuck i'll leave it all behind, forget this all ever existed and be reborn as new person...
Or maybe not, maybe i'll remember and learn and face this head on...
i dunno...
i just know that i have to control myself not to cry, not to take another sip...
i just know that pain is all that is now...
pain...