random thought #25

hurt...
To most people i am the now. To some i am the then. To none, that i know, i am the afterwards.
My past... that huge shadow that still haunts me, and most likely always will. Not that i feel its weight, just that sometimes like pavlov's experiences i react. Actually i panic.
I've recently discovered that i have a phobia, i fear hurting people. Now, most people don't like to, i fear it...
Being the way i am i can hurt people easily, in the past because i simply didn't care about others, being frontal and sincere can hurt people, not all people are prepared to hear what you have to say ( yes your words not mine ). But why? Because of trust. Respect comes before trust, and serves as pillow for it, catching it everytime i hurt someone. Today wasn't a good day for this, i've hurt people, more than one... And as odd as it seems i feel bad about it, i honestly do. It's like a phobia, i can't control it. I hurt you, and then feel hurt myself ( not guilty, just hurt ), because people, or most of them, don't deserve to be hurt, and i hate, strong word but fully appliable, myself for doing it. It revives the past, stirs my soul and torments my sleep...
sorry...