random thought #13

self...
recently i've been said that you should allow your emotions to rest. i had never seen things in this light.
So after some reflection, as is usual nowadays, i've come to the conclusion that it's mostly right. I must first and foremost cleanse myself from past emotions in order to be able to feel new clean ones. So far this has presented several problems, the loneliness, the feeling of closure, random sadness, ups and downs and worse of all confusion.
This has had several negative effects in my persona, the most relevant one is the apparent lack of motivation, i easily become immersed in my own thoughts and wonder away from things that have to be done. And this happens because they seem irrelevant when opposed to the well being of my mind.
I see all of these times as a big dust cloud that was swept by a huge wind that has suddently come to an halt... Now it's settling, slowly but steadily...
I feel it's progresses and even looking back a few weeks i can see that i am much better much more 'myself'. But still i haven't come to terms with fitting both sanity - happiness and productivity all in my daily routine.
I can achieve two out of three and while for most people it would suffice it doesn't for me. Call me greedy but i need to have the three which led me to the idea that i should reformulate the three so i could aim, not lower, but sideways.
It is clear now that in the past i've never let my heart to glue itself together with time. After each morning i can feel it to beat stronger, cleaner as if it was getting it self ready to be broken again. Wich it's more than ok, i want it to break again, i hope it doesn't but i'm willing to take risks.
Heart...