random though #77

Somehow I tried...

Somehow this time I did things well...

Somehow I failed again...

I stand here a broken man, I invested myself, gave everything I had and what I didn't have all for nothing...

I walked through my darkest alleys, I walked through my deepest fears, I surpassed myself to become me, when I set out to find me. I walked, I stumbled, I fell and I got up and kept going until I managed to find myself in the darkest place of myself. I survived myself, I survived you, I tried and soon realized it wasn't that way that I should be going, I turned and walked, with myself.

I was well, I was myself, I was good I was, at peace...

Until that crossing where I looked and saw you, you looked utterly perfect, I walked the other way for fear of what would become of me if I looked again, but I couldn't, you stood there looking at me looking at you...

I ran, I chase, I gave, I did, I... I... I loved....

Now I stand here a broken shadow of the man I found in myself, looking to a life without meaning, not knowing if I should start walking again or just stop... just stop...

I know not how to atone what I feel, how to cope with the loneliness that I thought I had left alone in a dark alley...

Devoid of strength, devoid of will, devoid of self I stand at this crossing waiting, waiting for something I can never have, something that turned the other way...

Utterly broken and alone I stand at this crossing fallen on my knees trying to gather strength to get up and get going, but at every merry direction I came upon I see you, You invade my thoughts like a wicked whim of heart...

Unsure if I should just say fuck it all, if I should just run after you no matter what, or if should just resign that life will never be...

broken...

wingless...

aimless...

random thought #76

Ao fim de tanto tempo encontro-me de onde devia ter partido....Sinto que estou quase a chegar, mas nunca chego, tenho sempre mais um passo para dar e sempre que o dou, tropeço e dou dois passos para trás. Mas não desisto e corro três passos para a frente só para não conseguir parar e ter de dar quatro para trás....

Sinto-me que estou onde queria estar sem lá estar, a meio de onde queria estar e onde devia estar, de onde me sinto bem e me sinto feliz.
Aprendi tanto, fui passear e aprendi, e tentei ensinar e partilhar e dar de mim e não resultou. Não só não resultou como anulou as pequenas victórias que tinha conseguido.
Sinto-me cada vez mais sem forças para continuar neste caminho, por vezes insurjo-me e apetece-me fugir mais um pouco mas nem para isso tenho forças, para sentir esse pequeno grito meu, não o ouiço porque o digo baixinho.Estou quebrado, partido, a querer estar sem poder, a querer não estar sem que me deixes porque eu não quero.
Perdido num meio de certezas, de sentimentos que conheço, de problemas resolvidos, de objectivos conseguidos, de estar em tantos sitios que queria estar sem estar no que realmente queria estar, e queria muito estar. Só ou contigo.
Quero, e digo para mim, que será esta a ultima vez desta forma, com esta luta com esta força, porque depois desta não tenho mais, e se tiver não sei onde a fui buscar... Sinto que faça o que fizer, que o que acontecer não vai ser bom, ensinei-me que as coisas, como as quero e imagino, não acontecem, e que quando as quero como te quero a ti, não acontecem, tenho um dom de as complicar, de as estragar de mas fazer passar despercebidas até que seja demasiado tarde.
Não sei como vai ser, mas sei que terá de ser, e que eu, quem sou, como acordo e olho será quem serei, mas que será.

como é possivel

Como é possivel sentir o que sinto.

Depois de toda a esta distancia, depois de todos os paises por onde fugi, depois de tudo o que se passou.

Como é possivel que te tenha dito o que te disse, como é possivel que tenha tantas saudades que te sinta tanto embora não te tenha nada...

Dou por mim a chorar ao ver uma foto tua e aperecebo-me que não tenho uma foto nossa e que a que tenho está guardada numa caixa junto ás tuas cartas.

Como é possivel que depois de se dizer "amo-te" tantas vezes e de forma tão sentida seja este o fim que tivemos.

Lembras-te daquela tarde na tapada? Quando te tirei uma foto e tiveste vergonha? Ou quando te conheci e tinha um boné e tu achaste engraçado andar com ele a tarde toda? ou da primeira vez que fizemos amor e choraste...

Sinto que errei mas tenho a certeza que fiz a coisa certa, tenho um nó no peito quando penso em ti porque sei o quão perfeitos estavamos um para o outro e o quão distantes estamos.

Não consigo fazer sentido de mim mesmo, não sei o que sinto nem por quem o sinto como é possivel amar tantas pessoas diferentes e não estar com nenhuma? Como é possivel ter tido tanto e não ter nada...

Como é possivel que contigo tenha tido alguns dos melhores momentos da minha vida e os piores. Lembraste daquela noite em que nos conhecemos e tropeçaste nas escadas? Ou de como quando vinha da escola ficava à chuva debaixo da tua janela só para te ver? Ou de como me costumavas ter no teu colo e cantar? Como é possivel que tudo isso se tenha evaporado...

Não me entendo porque perco tudo o que quero... Como é possivel que de um tão fugaz amor tenha nascido um tão grande nada... Lembras-te de acabarmos a chorar depois de fazermos amor no bairro alto? De como me costumavas chamar cromo e depois me dar um beijo como só tu sabias? Como é possível que nada disto tenha existido...

Como é possivel que de tanta perfeição entre mentes e objectivos não resulte aquilo que sinto, porque é que os meus actos não reflectem os meus sentimentos... Lembraste de quando te mandei uma mensagem e me respodeste e ficamos uma noite a falar? Ou da primeira vez que ouvimos a voz um do outro e passamos dez minutos a rir como tolos? como é possivel que eu não me sinta contente com isso...

Porque será que choro quando penso em ti, ou que quando me mandas uma mensagem me derreto todo e me tens como nunca me tiveste apesar de não me quereres... Como é possivel que tenhas passado a frente e tanto quanto sinto posto o tempo que passamos juntos numa gaveta coberta de pó....

Como é possivel amar tanto e ao mesmo tempo magoar demasiado....

Não sei como sinto nem o que quero.... Queria tanto e não quero nada....

Random Thought #75

Down...

Today is a reminder that I'm still not ok but on the process of being so.

Things look very good up ahead but very dim and dull right now.

All this will soon be over because I managed to bring myself to end it and turn my life around, yet again, and go be what I wanted for a long time. This time it feels like I'm going to get it right and it feels right but in these days before I feel so depressed and down that it's almost hampering the future. I won't let it though.

I know it's just a little final push and i'll be there and all this will be one more lesson learned, one that needed to be learned.

Incredibly enough this is one of the few experiences that I don't have very happy memories of, but i treasure because it led me to the next one.

However i do feel incredibly down and depressed and just wish i could go curl in bed and cry myself to sleep so that tomorrow would come faster.

Hope...

random thought #74

I just need to get this of my chest.

I'm scared.

Over the past two years i've changed another thing about me that i just realized, i became less confrontational but as with most things that happened, i became scared of confrontation...

I have made my mind and heart about what i don't want, and about what i need. However acting on it is a very different matter.

Today I try, and i have been saying to myself that I will! I just hope i can...

panicking...

random thought #73

Lately most of the doom and gloom have been locked away, but they still come out here a there, as if i was taking them for a walk in the park and then lock them up again in the basement.

I feel myself happier, but still very very confused and at the moment i know that i have to make some drastic changes in my life, again.

My only problem is if I have the courage to face the people here and tell them that i'm leaving, which i feel i don't. And that's an issue, i've always been pretty confrontational in the past, but now i seem to avoid it.

So I've set a date to talk about this and am committed to it, but in all honesty i'm scared shitless of it.

Also because i have huge doubts in myself i become very weary about what the future holds which then brings me close to a panic attack.

But it appears that fate has finally smiled upon me and lent me a hand in getting me up and making me smile again.

And i guess knowing what you don't want is half way to knowing what you want.

Stable.

Attempt #4 at my wings

This will my fourth attempt at getting my wings back.

I'm feeling more positive lately, and something totally unexpected happened, i've met someone.

And because of that, and the way that we fit together and the way we talk to each other, it just seems so right.

It's eerie really.

I've been down for so long that i had no hope whatsoever of ever smiling like this again.

And yet i do.

Now i'm not going to lie to myself and say i'm ok and that i'm out of my hole but i'm sure as hell trying, and now because of you i finally have something to grab!

The suicidal thoughts are very silent lately, dare i say muted... But i can't ever be too sure of that...

Hopeful again.

random thought #72

muted...

I feel muted like i'm screaming inside and trying to tell the world that i need help but i can't seem to and that means the world thinks that it's all ok and good.

It's not, the thoughts of suicide become louder with every passing hour and during the night time when i'm mute and alone they're free to come out and have their say... and boy do they...

it's been so long that i've felt any sort of connection with anyone that i'm not sure i still remember how...

all i wanted is to connect to be reborn or to die and get it over with...

silenced...

random though #71

Lately it's been worse that ever. 

Like an epiphany it came. I made a mistake that i will never be able to undo. And now i'm stuck with it.

Today i'm feeling the worse i've been in a very long time, but the worse is that it feels to me like it's going in a downward spiral when it should be the other way around...

All i can think about is how to end all this, but i think that at the moment i don't even have the strength to do that...

Tomorrow will be worse because not only it's one more day with myself but also because my mask will have to be back on and all shiny and polished for the world and in the hope that the mask becomes me... oh how i hope that the mask becomes me...

desperate...

random thought #70

depressed...

I don't think I've ever felt this depressed in my life.

I chose to use this word for the first as an acknowledgment of my depression, i will no longer lie to myself and say that i'm just having a bad day or that i'm just feeling down. 

I'm depressed.

It's the little things that get me down the most that seem to drain my energy and will.. I've said here more than once that i think that it would help me to seek professional help but i just can't bring myself to do it, i don't have the energy...

All i want is to disappear, to fall asleep and to not awake, to get hit by a bus, a plane something...

depressed...

random error #1

mistakes...

Everyone makes mistakes.

I've made a mistake.

Over the past year and half I've been making mistake after mistake I really can't seem to get anything right, always turning left when i should turn right...

I don't really remember when this streak started but it feels like a lifetime, and what's worse i can't seem to break it.

I do see a deciding point where i made an enormously bad choice in not taking a job to be where i am now. That was a very big mistake. I can confidently say that i regret making that choice. 

I now feel stuck in a position i do not like to be and never thought i'd be in. However in the past i've always seen a way to fix things, this time i don't.

I guess i'm writing this, although i do know no one reads it, to make it real, to admit to myself that i've made a mistake. They say the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have it.

I wanted something different but i somehow ignored the signals that were flashing in front of me, i saw them then, it's just that i chose to ignore them...

further down...

random thought #69

Still lost in my own angst...

I keep going back, and looking back. Longing for the past without hope for the future.

Everyday I feel that the feeling for suicide is getting more consolidated, more concrete, defined.

I've said before that this feeling has been with me for a very long time, but never before have i felt it like this, so strong...

I find myself making plans for it, elaborate ones, but still plans. 

I realize that I don't want to take my life but I do want it to end.

This is mostly because I feel it's pointless, and without a purpose. It's just day after day after day of being alone, without having anyone to share myself with. 

I try the best I know to share myself to get myself out there but i can't seem to, somehow it always fails, it's almost comical...

I honestly don't know what else to do, I really don't, and the way it's been lately i can't seem to find joy, or purpose for that matter, in anything... Work, my pseudo friends, parties anything.... it's all grey and bad.

This is affecting me more than i care to admit but still I keep trying to push for something but i have no idea of what that is.

Maybe I should move again, maybe back home although home is a bigger issue, old ghosts waiting....

Lost...

random pain #6

Breeze still carries the sound

Maybe I'll disappear

Tracks will fade in the snow

You won't find me here

Ice is starting to form

Ending what had begun

I am locked in my head

With what I've done

I know you tried to rescue me

Didn't let anyone get in

Left with a trace of all that was

And all that could have been

Please

Take this

And run far away

Far away from me

I am

Tainted

The two of us

Were never meant to be

All these

Pieces

And promises and left behinds

If only I could see

In my

Nothing

You meant everything

Everything to me

Gone fading everything

And all that could have been

Please

Take this

And run far away

Far as you can see

I am

Tainted

And happiness and peace of mind

Were never meant for me

All these

Pieces

And promises and left behinds

If only I could see

In my

Nothing

You meant everything

Everything to me

NIN

random pain #5

I'm never going back never going back to you

I'm never going to see you again

I'm never going to dig out your picture

I'm never going to look you up someday

Life is very short

You don't love me anymore

So I'm never going to see you again

I'm never going to write you a letter

Never going to call you on the phone

I'm never going to drive by your house

I'm never going to catch you coming outside

Never going to walk up your walk

And ring your bell

And feel you fall into my arms

I'm never going to see you (x2)

I'm never going to see you again

Your gone for good

Gone for good - Morphine

random thought #68

I feel miserable...

Uneven in myself, somehow me and expectations are not agreeing lately. I either end up not trying or trying too hard which undoubtedly leads to failure...

I can't seem to just enjoy, to just accept life as it is and go on dreaming about what will be, would be, was... I can't help it and it creates expectations that are more often than not too high. I wonder if i'm close to an emotional breakdown, i've been admitting that hypothesis lately. I seem to be way too unstable about myself it goes from having all the confidence and willpower in the world and feeling like myself, to looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a monster.

I've even tried a little experiment, i took a photo when i was on a high and wrote down how i thought i looked, then looked at it on a down and god did i look ridiculous... this is just maddening, my mind keeps spinning about all of this and i do know that the best option would be to just let it flow, to just live... but i can't...

To make things worse i did one of those accurate iq tests and rated way too high which meant that the person handling the results actually proposed for me to see someone.... this can't be normal....

just wish it all ended...

resignation #1

Resignation...

I've resigned myself to the fact that happiness won't come by my door again.

It's a simple and logical assumption, I had it and threw it away on myself, but i can't imagine the thought of being happy without you, it's just that everyone else seems so, so... so bland... It's a despairing thought to have to know that happiness won't come by again, but still it's one i've come to terms with.

This by no means mean that sadness will install itself permanently it simply means that i'll have to find other focuses in life, or maybe even resign myself to something less, something not you.

It's been far to long for this to be something that will fade, it became a part of me: knowing that i won't have you...

I at least hope that you'll be happy and aren't settling for something lesser... i just wish i knew your trick because i can't seem to find anyone that even remotely triggers interest in me, they're all just so... so... bland...

Resigned, unhopeful and broken.

random thought #67

happiness...

Is it possible to live without being happy?

This course that life took for me, or that I made my life take, presents itself with great professional achievement, plenty of pocket money all the parties I could want but devoid of love...

Devoid of character...

As I've read before, "happiness is only real when shared", how true... I do give this consideration and wonder why is it that I don't pursue this goal more, why is it that I don't go out as much as i can and talk to people i think might be interesting, or say hello to that pretty girl in the train, or even walk around with at least a blueprint of a smile.... The reason is that it seems that my soul has made a decision for my brain, that better lonely than with someone than not you... In the past i'd feel attached to other 'loves' i've had but nothing like this, the being ok with the suffering that loneliness brings, because deep down i know that we won't be again no matter how much i grief or fight, so i run.... Further and further... but i can't run from it when i sleep... It's funny, you know, when i'm awake i just want to fall asleep to make it away when i'm asleep i'm happy because i'm with you and then wake up, turn around and face the emptiness of my bed, a bed that was never ours set amongst walls that never held you...

All this brought me to realize that happiness will be hard to come by, because i don't have you and my soul doesn't seem willing to allow space for someone else, that said all that is left is contempt...

Contempt that you're ok, that i'm doing ok, that life is ok.... never great, never bad, just ok...

and ok isn't enough....

couldn't it just end......

random pain #66

Yet again...

Yet again my suicidal self is taking over, I tell it to shut up, to wait for a different day, to go until some pointless objective that somehow will make it all worthwhile... But it won't, will it?

Deep down I know it won't, and that alone can make it not...

Being that i've always been a people person, and now changed into a much more loner type i wonder when, and if, i'll become social again...

Devoid of passion, of interest, of purpose...

Things just seem like they won't get better, it's not that i'm depressed, i'm not. I spend my days smiling whenever i'm around people i'm mildly happy, and also when i'm alone most of the time i'm ok as well...

But why the fuck did i go and fuck it all up 3 times...

I've considered that i should talk with someone, but i can't, because the people i would like to speak either don't want to listen, don't want relate, and the ones who do just make me hurt myself even more.

somehow things just don't happen, somehow i just can't solve this puzzle. 

Somehow i just feel like i don't fit here, also i didn't fit where i was, i wonder when will i find a place where i'll feel ok, where i'll feel that i finally arrived...

They say that home is where the heart is, well mine isn't anywhere to be found, well i know who i left it with i just can't figure out a way to getting it back, so that means that i'll be displaced everywhere i try...

even when my mind is clear i feel like shooting myself down, because nothing really matters does it...  not for me anyway... i have no idea for how long i'll be able to sustain this pain of loneliness...

honestly, at the moment i'd settle with something major happening in my life to take me away from the boredom from the dark still waters that my mind and heart have become...

....

..

.

#14,064

586 days I've been on this past, longer if i assume that it started when i became myself.

I was so many things in the past, so many different people... 

I studded when i saw you, now it just feels like a dream... and in my dreams you have been, some good, most the closer i've been to night terrors, waking up sweaty and afraid, and unable to sleep unless i drink myself down and bring my other sadder, but not scared, self...

the hole i feel whenever i think of you, and i do, in every moment i relate you, i see you in the grass as it grows, in the wind as it cherishes my skin, in the words i speak, in the faces i see, in the sky above, in places i visit, the doors i pass...

Hard, i try hard.... I let go i don't even try, i forget only to remember only to feel the pain...

Loneliness is though burden, one i've been carrying for quite some time, far longer than i wished, but i guess it's not misery, as misery loves company, and i don't have...

Then there's me, or what's left of me, a mere vessel for the void i created, i honestly don't see a path anymore, i lack the discipline to keep moving...

Could this mean i've arrived? that i got lost and just stopped caring? 

I fantasize, i dream about the day when i'll make sense of myself. I refrain myself from reckless destruction, i take refuge in pointless social encounters, in futile tv shows, in more work than i can possibly handle, in doing better for everyone else but for me...

And looking back when i had enough self loathing to fire up the world i was by far a lot happier than now, i lacked the inner peace that i have now, but i also felt the fire of life of happiness...

shouldn't happiness be the goal? shouldn't i just let go and see what happens?

Taking the options into consideration what's the point of holding out for something, waiting for a better time to make a decision, why not just fuck it, why not just try whatever is i want? why not just be lazy and fat and drunk and high? Is that that much worse than this? what i'm working for here? self improvement? self respect? self boredom...

utterly adrift...

50,630,400.... and counting...

Step #1

I never thought that hearing you tell me that you didn't love wouldn't hurt, I've always been certain that it would be like a spear through my soul. But it didn't, I felt no spear, I felt no pain, no grudge no anger. I felt only love.
It made me realize that you don't want me, and that although I do want you, there's no point to it.
I've been feeling quite cleansed for quite a while now, blank, in that good way that pages are blank. Not void, but ready to start to be drawn again.
Hearing you say that I was wrong in my assumptions about you helped me realize that I've moved on, that I will always love you, but won't forever want you.
Fresh, free, bound to myself and no one else.
My love remains unchanged, strong and forever certain, and accepting that is my first step to the rest of my journey. To feed from it, to use it as my fuel for myself, to mutate it into love for myself and for others.
Thank you.

random thought #65

Have you heard?
Have you tried to understand?
It´s all right
It gets easy on with time
How are you?
Are you ever comming back?
I´ve changed
And I´ve realized I was wrong

I was wrong
Now I´ll never see your face, anymore
Oh my love,
I´d give anything for one more day with you

I´m getting through
Wish you felt the way I do
I´ve changed
And I´ve realized I was wrong

I was wrong
Now I´ll never see your face, anymore
Oh my love,
I´d give anything for one more day with you

I was wrong, I was wrong
Now I´ll never see your face, anymore
Oh my love,
I´ll do anything for one more day with you
I´ll do anything for one more day
I´d give anything for one more day with you

VAST - one more day

random thought 64

"Dear Darkness"

Dear darkness
Dear darkness
Won't you cover, cover
Me again?

Dear darkness
Dear
I've been your friend
For many years

Won't you do this for me?
Dearest darkness
And cover me from the sun

And the words tightening
The words are tightening
Around my throat

And, and...

Around the throat of the one I love
Tightening, tightening, tightening
Around the throat of the one I love
Tightening, tightening, tightening

Dear darkness
Dear darkness
Now it's your time to look after us
'Cause we kept you clothed
We kept in business
When everyone else was having good luck

So now it's your time
Time to pay
To pay me and the one I love
With the worldly goods you've stashed away
With all the things you
Took from us

pj harvey...

random thought #63

wish...
I wish you could see me for what i am. But you can't because i can't show myself proper.
And even if i could you would be shaded by the pain i've put you through... that's ok...
I wish i could have done things a differently but i didn't know how, this is the way i found to start walking...
You have to understand that back then it was either this, or as you said, unhappiness...
I wish you would try and see me for what i am, not what i was. That i have grown to be what i was.
And it's clear now, i was pursing a blurred image of me that i had no idea where it came from, now i do. I've become the me you saw.
thank you...

random thought #62

strength...
i've written on this topic before, but it's on a different key now...
I've cried myself out, and i'm ok.
I feel pain inside, and i'm ok.
I've managed to become me again, to have just little enough strength to hold me together.
Every day i think: Just end it. And i'm ok.
Every day i think: I hate myself today. And i'm ok.
I'm frustrated to the point where i can numb myself with it and i'm ok.

This is because i know who i am again. I know where i want to be in me.
Let me explain.
It's clear now, i see how my actions should be, i can live by them. I can make my decisions, i can know who i am.
I am good, in a while i'll be a full grown shielded me. I can hear ONE voice inside, one thought, one path.
It's clear now, i will act the way i feel.
It took a lot of sacrifice to get here, and actually it took the biggest sacrifice of all.
You.
But, although i'm very unsure about this, it was somehow worth it, and definitely necessary.
a long way...

random thought #61

I can see clearly
That he loves you dearly
Just by the way, he looks at you
But I've got news for you girl
I love you too

If heaven could send down, a guardian angel
To make him someone
You never knew
Then I would pray true, girl
Cause I love you too

If he ever, ever brakes your heart
Or even once, treats you unkind
One false move
And I'll steal you away
And your love, will be mine

But now every night
When I go to sleep
Can't tell you the hell, I'm going trough
I know he's making love to you girl
And I love you too

If he ever, ever brakes your heart
Or even once, treats you unkind
One false move
And I'll steel you away
And your love, will be mine

Now every night
When I go to sleep
Can't tell you the hell, I'm going trough
Cause I know he's making love to you girl
And I love you too

Well I've got news for you girl
I love you too

by Feargal Sharkey

random thought #60

closer...
even as i move closer i can start to feel the pain, everything hurts a little more when you can relate.
definitely being further away helps with everything, running won't solve anything but it will be an opportunity....
The closer i got the harder it was not to feel, not to feel like crying, like calling you and telling you what i feel... the more i wanted to share this moment... But then i arrive and feel the utter loneliness, alone in a sea of people, sad amidst a thousand smiles...
further and further...

random thought #59

far...
Being a bit further now feels good, good and lonely...
I dunno if i should go out and fight for you, or just leave you be... I know i could fight, and even if i didn't win i would have at least tried... The problem is that fighting can deepen the scars that are now starting to heal, both mine and yours...
I wish i could make this decision, but i feel unable to...
Apathy will eventually lead to lack of resistance to just settle down and conform with how things currently are... And although i'm not currently happy about the state of things i somehow feel that it's better to leave them as they are. I don't want to harm you more than i already did.
But i do feel the need to put up a fight to try again...
lonely panic...

random thought #58

pain...
A heart can only endure so much pain, a mind can only endure so much failure and a soul can only endure so much loneliness...
I'm trying to drown the pain, but it returns every night, every moment alone... I try not to focus on it, but it demands my attention...
I don't dwell on it's reasons, i accept it as is. I know that i hurt myself again...
I can physically feel my heartache, it consumes all of me... rendering me functionless...
I've been here before, and maybe i'll be here again, maybe i'll leave here...
I wish for so many things, these wishes happy as they are for the moment they exist only sharpen it, the pain...
I, again, have no one to blame, no one but me. No one that will come to my rescue...
Every song hurts a bit more, every image, every shadow...
I'm sorry for so much, and disappointed at myself for having to be like this.
The path i chose to walk is proving to be much more painful than i anticipated. Like a dark forest full of shadows i can't see a light, only darkness...
I so feel like quitting...
I so feel like letting go...
But i won't, i'll try not to.
I'll cry, i'll harm myself some more, i'll drink myself to sleep...
But i'll walk away, i'll close it in a box and learn to live with myself. Alone if it must, but i'll do it.
Fuck i'll leave it all behind, forget this all ever existed and be reborn as new person...
Or maybe not, maybe i'll remember and learn and face this head on...
i dunno...
i just know that i have to control myself not to cry, not to take another sip...
i just know that pain is all that is now...
pain...

random thought #57

please...
Please make me stay... Give me a reason to stay...
Right now i'm torn in half by my hopes and dreams. And i do know that half of them is, at least for the moment being, impossible.
I wish that you gave me a reason, that you could be the light at the end of this dark alley. But you won't and with reason...
Why do i need a reason? Because i need it be able to cope with this, i can't promise myself that i'll succeed either way, but i can promise myself that either way i'll try. I will give my best at making it work.
This is a fifty fifty situation. But it is kinda driving me mad, or sad at least.
And to be able to start writing in blank pages always looks promising and scary, but promising.
I forced these changes upon me because i couldn't live with who i was. Now i can, i'm not happy but i can cope.
please...

random thought #56

stuck...
I've been learning me for the past months.
And the more i think about running away the more i listen to what people say. I look at things differently, but in a good way.
A friend said, that i wasn't running away from people, i was trying to run away from myself.
This might be true.
But however i think that given the chance i'll have, yet, another chance. And maybe that's the one that's going to work.
No.
This isn't what i think. what i mean is i can't run from myself. I need to face this not as an escape but as a fresh start.
The more i want you the more i realize that i fucked it all up. I'm sorry. Also i've lost an important part of me here.
Maybe a new, fresh, environment will help me 'release' this part that i feel that's stuck inside me.
Loosing an import part of my routine while i create a new one from scratch can be a great opportunity to make some amendments.
...

random thought #55

running away...
When i was a kid i always wanted to run away. It was the 90's and there were a lot of references to it, nowadays it doesn't make much sense... But then it seemed like a very valid solution. Back then it wasn't suicide it was running away from everything. Just picking some of your stuff in a back pack and start walking wherever life took you.
I'm glad i didn't, it allowed me to become a good person, to have what i have today.

Realization...
This past nine months made me realize that i love you. It took all this time, all these mistakes to understand that. And although we're no more and you've moved on, and i'm happy that you're happy, it somehow saddens me that i couldn't come where i am now without all of this.
It's a common saying that it's not the destination of the trip that matters but the journey, but as enjoyable or profitable (in a personal sense) it might be, what's the point if you arrive at a wasteland?
This is hardly the end of my journey but it's a big milestone, this realization. The amount of times i think of you, and now i don't think of the things that you gave me, of the love that i felt or what you were to me. I feel the need to cherish you, to spoil you, to make you smile, to give you all that you might need.
All this made me realize that this is the closest to love i've ever been. To want to give without even wanting to receive... But this journey also made a different person. And sadly, a sadder one since i've lost you.

Fresh start...
The expression fresh start is just a prettier phrasing for running away. I'm 26 now i don't 'run away'. Nowadays it's called moving.
I could justify this move that will, most likely, make by professional progression, better quality of life, a more civilized country or even more money. But none of the previous really matter. Honestly they don't. They have their weight and they do help a lot, but it just seems pretty irrelevant when compared to love.
So i'm running away. I'm finally, after more than ten years, running away.
This wasn't really the way i had imagined it, i pictured it in much more 'grungy' frame, but i can't say that like this is worse.
I'm hoping that being far away can help things to fade in a more peaceful manner.

Wants...
I want a lot of things, i hope for even more. But knowing that most of them won't happen the way i want them to, i will effectively redo my wishes and adapt them to a new reality.

When i tried to put some distance between here and me it kinda felt good, peaceful but somehow i'm afraid...

sorry...

random thought #54

empty...
usually this wouldn't be nice feeling.
It's not.
I don't feel happy, i don't feel sad also. I'm not excited or depressed, motivated or frustrated.
It's not that i simply am, it's not that also. Tonight i stopped.
I didn't want to, i didn't plan to, it just happened. This means that i was forced to be still, alone, silent...
It's not good, it's not bad either.
It allows me to wonder what i want, it makes me feel blank. Almost hopeful that i'll get written on... But i don't have hopes, i do have fantasies, but not hopes...
I believe that this is a good thing, the blankness that has settled.
If i only could endure it for a while, a couple of days, a weekend... I feel like something good would happen inside.
Maybe i could be more of what i feel inside, no it's not a contradiction i still have wishes for what i want to be. Maybe it would enable me to act more the way i think...
blank...

random thought #53

Luck...
Sometimes life opens a few doors for you, but usually doesn't tell you in a clear way through which ones you should enter.
You need to have a good dose of opportunity sense in order to make the right choices, to choose the right timing to make your move. I can't seem to take risks nowadays which means that i think i see the signs, but can't act on them. And i know from experience that usually life doesn't act for you, or when it does it's seldom to be in your favour. So now life has showed me a couple of doors, and altough they all seem to be open to me, i can't be sure that they're open.
I definetly need to pick up my act and risk it, honestly it can't be that bad!
Sometimes you just have to say 'fuck it', it's a great expression and i did make good use of it in past, maybe i should make more use of it now.
doesn't come along often...

random thought #52

Sometimes all love songs seem to fit your mood perfectly, no matter how corny they might be.
Usually this comes from two situations, you're falling in love, or you're heart broken.
Convergence.
Sometimes they converge and become one tumultuous feeling.
Sometimes you can't decide which one you're feeling, if what you're feeling is true or even worse corresponded. This makes me feel lost, it makes me wanna cry, smile, jump, kneel down...
I something is wrong when a song by mariah carey sounds decent, almost tolerable. This surely means trouble...
The problem is that usually a situation like this evolves in to one of the first ones, it's either a broken heart or a happy one...
Divergence...

random thought #51

stirred up...
You stir me up...
You bring the me inside...
I don't want you or need you, but i think of you...
what you were, what i'll be...
The things that change, the things that remain...
You stir me up...
Mess with my mind, fuck with my heart...
hurt...
scarred...
Each smile a memory, with each word a reminder that we're not meant to be...
In me you subside, you resist, you bring me up...
You toss me down...
Play me like no other... Treat me like everyone else...
still...
numb...
Hoping for the hopeless...
alive...

random thought #50

metamorphosis...
People don't change. They evolve.
All this shit about opening my wings comes down to having them. Larvae don't have wings, if they jump off a tree best they can do ( and not all of them can ) is have a string of mucus that stops them from violently hitting the ground...
Looking at me in the mirror now produces an effect, i see me. I don't like me. I going where i was with a twist. Back inside the cocoon of hate and fast paced life i left and hope not to return...
I look at me and see more than me, i see beyond, i see new things, new smiles, new strengths... I like that, i can wake up, and feel myself happy. Miserably happy...
I have a tendency to run, i'm trying my best not to... Still i take subterfuge in the material side of life... I still lack the strength to rip my cocoon apart... I'm trapped inside...
I wish someone would cut trough it and let me sit in the sun drying my new wings...
postponed...

random thought #49

explode...
Sometimes i feel like my head is going to implode... Honestly i do.
I can almost hear a noise that blocks all my thoughts, like an inner scream. It hurts...
This is the feeling i fear, and yet every night, here he is...
It's as if all of my deamons shout at me at the same time, in dissonance...
It feels as if i'm going mad, as if anything is too much...
implode...

random thought #48

She shines
in a world full of ugliness.
She matters
when everything is meaningless.

Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty.
She tries to get away.
Sometimes, it's just that nothing seems worth saving.
I can't watch her slip away.

I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by,
hoping someone can see.
If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me.

I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide.
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side.
...but they keep waiting...
...and picking...
...and picking...
...and picking...
...and picking...
...and picking...
...and picking...
...and picking...

It's something I have to do.
I was there, too,
before everything else,
I was like you.

As i feel...

The Fragile - NIN

thought #1

divided...
You... I need you, i divided myself in search of me. Set myself to darkness, ignoring the beacon that you are. Divided myself... Although i see this a necessary evil i feel that i ... i... i love you...
Warm, you make me feel warm inside... I cherish you so much... Again i threw it all away, i ... i messed things up...
i... i love you...
I want you, i need you, i ... I know what i don't want, i don't miss, what i don't need, i know how i'd have it... but...
but i... i love you...
I want to ... i need to ... i...
I wish i could, maybe i can but maybe it's too late, maybe we're too far apart...
torn...

random thought #47

still...
Stillness seems to be taking me in again... It all seems so hard to mantain, the inertia i was able to get now seems to have stopped...
Alone...
I wonder if this is it, i know that patience isn't one of my virtues, i force it.
It's times like these that make me loose hope, that make me sad, defeated...
I wonder if it will ever happen, if it will ever change...
I need to pull myself off, but i can't seem to. It seems so close yet so far... I can see it's light, lingering just there, just a few more steps. But i can't seem to move, i loose all of my strength on the slightest defeat... I remember myself diferent, i see myself diferent.
I don't know myself. And when i finally do it's in glimpses, a few hours, a moment...
Dry... Emotionless...
I'm begining to loose myself in defeat, begining to not being able to cope with everyday life....
numb...

random thought #46

yesterday...
Today's yesterdays come creeping about sometimes... Lately they have been present in a nice way, well not that it feels good but it doesn't hurt or even feels bad...
Usually they make me cry, suffer, become depressed, bring back good memories that now are made bad because that's what they are now, memories... But these yesterdays just remind me of how good everything is, of the little perfect imperfections that i love.
today...

flight attempt #3 - closure

real life...

Back to reality, again... Yet again reality pulling me down...

People are capable of the most hideous things, it's funny how a single act can destroy a lifetime of co-existence... People have a way to fuck, it's not just me, people too...

Hurt and wiser. Happy and destroyed. Optimistic and cheated on... Life sure has it's ways of making you move on, of giving relevance to the opposites that you do, when you finally classify something as important or as relevant, there comes life and turns it around.

Experiences make us wiser, more open minded ( i see now that this is not always the case with everyone ).

Wings closed, tucked in. Unharmed, scratched... This was the closest i've been to it. Yet now it seems that not near enough... Life deceives me, it plays with me.

As a friend usually says, 'god laughs at you when he hears you planning'.

I'm left with the experience, the mistakes, the things i got right. Wiser. I've learned. Maybe next time i'll see beyond the veil that life throws upon things, maybe i'll be able to let go and try... But wiser nonetheless... 

Closing my wings, leaving some behind, taking some in. That's life. That's me again, with the strength to smile and make decisions. To go for what i want without fear of hurting.

Only a few more things missing...

Apparently the me i'm looking is mostly what i already got at some points in time, but got diluted.

concentrate...

flight attempt #3 - status

I didn't open my wings, i closed them.
I chose to do so after life showing me that the this wasn't the time for this...
I wonder when i'll be able to open them to their full extent and flap them...
I've learned lessons, i've opened my heart and mind to the people around me...
I've gained a lot of experience from a different culture and their people...
But still i feel like i should have risked more, to try and fail...
Closed wings, reflection awaits me... I'll keep the teachings of life, the lessons i've observed from people, the experience that i've been through, but with no wings...

stalled...

random thought #45

Silence...
The noise of everyday life can take the focus away from what's important and what's not. Sometimes, and i've just found out, you need to find a way to close all the noise that surrounds you.
If anything the noise went away for a while, it became distant, almost silent...
The permeability to the noise is what makes me vulnerable. It's what takes the self confidence away...
In silence i've been able to think, not in a conscious way, about who i am, to feel me, to sense what i want. Because everytime you meet someone new you have the chance to re-invent yourself, to try something new. It's not that you're lying or pretending to be someone you're not, it's more like trying to be who you want to be.
And away from the the noise i've discovered that i can be me, well at least to some extent...
Loneliness...

random thought #44

faces...
Faces look the same everywhere, if you go to any bar or disco, in any country you'll always find the same type of people. There's always a great looking guy that's only looking for the right girl to take home, the hopeless guy that just stares at the good looking guy and hopes he was like him, the good guy that's single but just wants to have fun dancing and doesn't want to take a girl home. There's the girl that feels sexy, that provokes all the men but doesn't want to go home with any of them, the fat chick in the corner that thinks the sexy girl's a slut, the ugly girl that thinks she's hot and will go home with the average joe... And lot's of more types...
This made me wonder, people aren't that different in any given country, sure they have their own culture, but they are all essentially the same. It's human nature.
It also made me wonder what type of persona i am, i wonder how people would look at me, if i knew from stranger the vibe i pass on i could position myself better, find out easily where i am... but you can't just walk up to a stranger and ask...
delusions...

Random thought #43

indecision...
Taking chances is hard. Surviving them is usually easy.
I think that one of my biggest problems right now are the "what ifs" of everyday life...
i ponder too much, as in the past i pondered too little. I still haven't been able to come to terms with myself to find my self-confidence to be able to move over these "what ifs"...
Because being confident is what makes you ignore them, to not think about them. To take a chance and not to be thinking of all the negative things that might, or might not, come from it.
I'm definitely stuck here, but i can't decide how i'd like to come out of this...
scared...

random thought #41

a push...
Eagerly i await for something to give me a push that takes me out of this, not so deep, hole i've got myself into... But the problem is that everything, and everyone, points at the fact that i should be able to climb out of it on my own in order to be truly ok...
If a part of me believes that i should be the one to be there for myself, to endure this inner journey alone, there's a, ever growing, part that thinks that sometimes we need an event, a sign, someone to just pull us out of it... But that makes me worry that i miss the chance because i'm blind with focusing on seeing the chance.
Things will happen when they'll need to happen. I'm sure that we can make efforts to make things happen faster but i can't seem to in this case...
a shovel...

random thought #42

personalities...
Sometimes you meet people that change your life, sometimes you meet others that make you want to change your life.
Whenever these come across you need to recognize them and trust them wholly to make the most of them. When someone that makes you want to change your life appears to me i always go for the first thought that they have it better than me, that's, most of the times, untrue. Mostly these people just present themselves better, they present their qualities better than you, they ignore their faults better than me...
This made me realize that i focus on my own faults way too much, which makes me sad, and kinda depressed... But if i don't focus on them then how do i improve them?!
I noticed that most people that come across me that cause me this feeling are older, and usually have been trough a lot of issues in their life, and made the most of them. I didn't make the most of them....
So i'm starting to reflect on them and see how i could have made the most of them but without dwelling in memories, just trying to learn from them.
changes...

flight attempt #3 - status

I think i finally found some wings, but i can open them, close them, contemplate them, but i can't seem to be able to flap them...
I feel like i'm stuck between two worlds, between two of me...
I thought and tried to flap them a little, but i just couldn't, whenever i sensed a flag i'd either chicken out or life would throw something that i didn't expect or couldn't handle...
So although this attempt has gone further than the others in terms of inner vision and reflection, it's leaving a sour taste in my mouth...
It makes me think that my wings have 'crystalized' into wax... I remember them to be made of fire, unafraid of life's challenges and rejections, but now they just seem to melt everytime they try to move...
I'm hoping, and again see the problem i have with hope, that at least from this attempt i'll learn a lot more than from my previous ones, and so far i think i did. I need the time to sink it in, to let it brew for a couple of days when it's over and then pour it into everyday life.

flight attempt #3

Personal introspection...
looking inside and trying to make amendments is hard. The thing is the harder you try to change, the more focus you loose on what you wanted to change in the first place.
Now I'm taking this time away from 'my world' to be able to formulate some important decisions about me.
It's not so much decisions, it's more finding things out about me. Taking time from all the noise that surrounded me so that i can listen to me.
And what is it that i have to say? I still don't know, but i'm planning to find out...
hopes...

random thought #40

moonlight...
Whenever i see a beautiful moon i think of you, and you, and you, and you... I want to share it with someone, i can't. I've decided not to, i've fucked up, you decided not to, i can't even get there...
Tonight i saw a beautiful moon, and i had no one to share it with. Although it kinda gave me a feeling of being more complete because the feeling doesn't leave me, it also makes me melancholic...
sad...
A moonlight that doesn't light my path...

random thought #39

Almost...
Another battle lost...
The almosts of life are starting to fuck me... I mean i'm not used to this, i was used to taking risks, to make my move, to dive in... Not to wait, to ponder, to see what happens if i wait for things to happen by playing it safe. This is also not what i wanted... but as usual i do fuck up...
I don't want to be reckless, but i don't want to be motionless...

Ruins...
A shipwreck of what used to be me... That's how i feel... I went through a storm, and came ashore with my ship wreck, stranded in island of fears, indecision's and confusion. I don't want to be like this, i don't want to take the course of action i took lately. We all make mistakes, i make quite a lot, but i can't seem to behave differently, i almost had the chance to not fuck up, it was in front of me twice, and twice i did, fuck up... I saw it, i thought about it, it was crystal clear, and apparently i chose to open my mouth and fuck it up...

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, not because i'm hurt, not because i fucked up, not because i hate myself, but because i need closure, and i almost got it...
I need to closure, patience and to begin to form me...
I'll cry myself to sleep because i'm sad, honestly sad, maybe it's an effect of closure we never want to close memories in a box, but sometimes we must. And this is one of those times, i need to cleanse myself of me to be able to get control of things...
Or i will have to admit that i'm train wreck, that i am indeed reckless and that's how i'll be less sad. I need me...
lost...

random thought #38

control...
Sometimes i loose control of myself, i talk without thinking. Honestly, sometimes i can't believe the shit i say. I can shock myself! This is preceeded by an almost physical feeling, i can feel control slipping away and just fucking up at any chance i'm given.
For sometime i was able to avoid this, by shutting the fuck up, but lately it's just been waaaay too common and too serious for me to ignore, someone is bound to get hurt, and i hardly want it to happen.
I have these moments where i become the troll, the flamer, the guy that no one can stand, and altough that's a part of the way i make humour, it's also a very bad side of me, one that i dislike and almost feel ashamed of...
People are evil. Simple and true. Even good ones when they find a prick can be evil. But when you get to know someone you can get away with things that would get you in serious trouble with most other people. I feel that people tolerate others but they don't accept them, not truly anyway.
We must be at peace with ourselves in order to transmit the idea of security and a notion that you are a calm or at least mildly normal person, i sometimes don't...
I must get a grip, and fuck up less, talk less, act less, and mostly shut the fuck up when i don't have anything to add...
crashing...

random thought #37

flaw...
Lately I've been pondering on the how to life my life in a way that i would feel ok with it. I've written here that i should try sideways and not force things forward.
Well, sideways it was, i started to try and flow, problem is i loose track of most things i should do as soon as life starts to close on me.
Ideally you would never be too busy or too idle, but we know that life doesn't allow us to, so we must manage in a single day, two at best, to fit it all in, rest, food, friends, personal errands, new friends, things we must do, and work. This is where i fail, best I've gotten is to an either or situation, i either work or solve everything else. Either way i always feel like crap afterwards because i've failed at something.
Today i failed miserably at accomplishing something for a friend, more than that i neglected a few others... Work has been more than ok...
So that friend told me, you have to learn how to fail a little in both.
While that is true, i can't simply accept failure at work, or at personal life, it aches me to have to make time based decisions.

So and applying the time lesson here, given time things will fall into place. So now that i've laid some of the foundations to being ok, to not fall so low or rise that high for that matter, i think i can try and get some balance in things, for that i need planning and discipline. Discipline is the one thing i never had, i've always been more of a i do what i want in my own way and i couldn't care less...
But i've come to terms with myself to be able to conciliate both, i must discipline myself in order to do all the things i want. So now that i've got a little more free time on my hands, i'll use it as a sandbox to try and make it all fall into place, and to make it work a little better i'll try and write things down and make them when i say i'll make them.
The trick i guess is to not over think the task, but i can't always do that, i will try tough.
This is a big flaw, but given time i hope to be able, not to overcome it but, to cope with it in a way that it no longer cripples my daily life.
flawed...

random thought #36

misery...
Sometimes it seems that i actively work on being miserable, i could just pick myself up and go do something else, but no... i sit and hurt myself. I make myself miserable because i feel a bit down... why did you leave...
Right now i could be making myself happy by working/sleeping/gaming, but no. I chose to sit here and depress myself. This really goes agains self preservation but i can't seem to help it...
alone...

random thought #35

vices...
I have vices. We all do.
Some come as personality traits, some are actions or routines, others are worse. Habits...
For a long time i was free from the temptation of my worse vices, recently however i have urges to fuck things up, to just let go and get back to them. They would make these moments so much better... Nevermind the afterwards...
Habits, you came to be a habit, and became a vice, an addiction, a mistake that i can't seem to be able to learn from... Habits become routines, routines bore me. But i've learned that they're harder to break than additions, but easier to forget.
I miss my addictions, my vices, i miss being the clever fuck up, i miss not having to be ok, to be able to just lay back, and enjoy the ride...
It's hell, but hell does have it's appeal... I want to... i crave for it, but i can't, i won't....
Habits...

random thought #34

closer...
Everyday life throws a stone at you, it's up to us to dodge it, catch it or get hit by it.
Lately I've been given, what i see as challenges, a few stones of my own. But i can't properly react to them, not because i don't know how to, or even what they are, just because i lack the confidence.
I seem to have regained some of work ability, despite not being able to be at the top of my game, at least i am doing things. This makes me happy, and also boosts my confidence.

Remember the whole thing about time? Notions of time? Damn life just makes allot more sense now that I've broken that egg, i finally understand a shitload of things, and even deal with most things better because of it, mostly because time has its ways of closing on you, of making you pay, or reward you, for what you did. And strange things happen when you apply the notion of time to most relationships or people. They evolve, fall, rise and mostly stay the same.

I have a few challenges in my hands right now. See the word challenge is important here, when it becomes a challenge it means that is something you're willing to fight for, instead of calling it a problem, issue or some other negative word. Challenge. Challenge is the right word for this moment in my life. Of course low self esteem and confidence make failure really loud, but nonetheless i think i'm gonna risk it. What's the worse that can happen?

sunspots...

random thought #33

memories...

memories of your tenderness, memories of your whoriness that i loved and hated slowly fade away...

faded...

random thought #32

hard.
I'm thinking of the cliché 'It's harder to stay on top than reaching it'. I'm starting to get a glimp of what it means.
Not that i'm at the top, i'm not even half way, but i've fought hard to get where i am, and i am somewhere already. But i lack the motivation to fight further, wich means that i will eventually start tumbling down...
Life's hard, i reckon that some people don't have to fight for it, i, in the past for a few brief moments didn't have to.
These last years i've fought hard and worked my ass off for everything i have, all i have i earned it with sweat, blood and tears. Both in personal and professional. But now due to a shitload of unforseen circumstances i can't seem to progress, and if i can progress i'll regress...
Hard work, that's life. It's either that or settling, and i'm not one to settle, maybe i need to swerve a little in order to start moving forward again, but i'm sttuborn and i know i'll defeat this obstacle.
Hard work, it pays off in the long run.
Hard work, i need to stop bullshitting and get some done...
stalled...

random thought #31

fuck up
I'm such a fuck up, i've always been... It's just that for a few times in my life i'm the sexy kind of a fuck up... But usually just your average fuck up.
The previous 24 hours were just another proof of that, that I am a fuck up... It's really the one thing i can do well, fucking things up...
I love you, and you did misunderstood me, i hate you and you don't read this, you don't know, i know you don't, i can't explain, you wouldn't read... It doesn't make sense, but it does to me... I'm sorry for fucking up...
This is the, as i previously written, my major ability. Look at it this way, if i was a hero and had a special power, it would be fucking things up...
It started before i went to bed, it started the moment i woke up, i fucked a lot of things up today... These days always bring to mind suicide, they're hard on me... They remind me of who i am...
Eternal fuck up...

Fuck word count - 12 ( counting these two fucks )

random thought #30

milestones...
i hate them. If you look in the big picture what difference will it make?! Honestly, what's the difference?! ok, it's a lot... Sometimes it can mean lives, other times a lot of money, the difference between excelence and shit...
But when we apply milestones to life it's just inevitable that we miss them... I need them to guide me somewhere in the very near future, but i hate them! I wish i could just let go... It would make life easier, less worrying... I wouldn't have to consider things as step towards, or backwards, an objective, but rather just random events... Would that make me a 'stupid' person? maybe but ignorance is bliss...

Milestones can rapidly change, you and had a goal, an objective, a common path that we fought for, and when we were finally approaching it, i fucked it up. Well i believe that there's no I in relationship, but i'll take the blame on this one... now i miss you... and i need you because milestones scare me, make me paranoid...
I need new milestones...
Failures...

random thought #29

apples...
it's time like these that make me miss you the most, that remind me of how perfect we were, how well shaped we were for one another... i miss you... i honestly do...
i have the feel inside to just call you up and tell you it was just a nightmare, lets wake up and start over... Life however is a lot more complicated than that, it requires me to form myself before i even consider such things...
All my victories seem small because you're not here to share them, wish you were, yet i made you not to be...
Apples, they are the perfect metaphore for Men, we always fuck ourselves on account of apples... We always have to try and pick them no matter what every string of our gut and everyone else says... But mistakes feel so darn good when we're making them, it's just the afterwards that sucks...
I love you, i truly do, i cherish you, i need you, but i can't have you, and i don't think i want to. I don't love you like i should, i don't cherish you like i should and definatly don't need you like i should...
Again another small victory made meaningless by apples...
rotten...

random thought #28

north...
misguided, that's how i feel... without a sense of direction... guide me...
i haven't had a light to follow in a while, maybe one isn't even required, but the people that i know that don't have one don't seem that happy, they all have their major issues. It feels like crap to wake up in the morning and not knowing if you're running in the right direction, i often lead myself to believe that wherever i'm heading it's always right, but that isn't very true is it?
Looking back i now see that i've followed lamps, some tiny some small, but never a lighthouse, never north... But even those dim candles offered a sense of path without wich i feel lost... I need to find my north, but i'm begining to think it's too dark for me to find it on my own...
will someone please light a candle for me?
hapless...

random thought #27

confrontation...
'Altough you might be able to say it, and it's true, it doesn't mean that the other person is ready to listen' sorry i made you read me...
This is my latest lesson. I'm extremist in most aspects of my innerself, i know that far. I also know that while it does get me someplaces it does close a lot of doors. I must learn from that lesson, not that i shouldn't say something because it will look bad, or because it's not socially acceptable, not even because it won't get me benefits. But instead because it is a proof of maturity ( such an overrated word... ), because if you can't say something properly maybe it's better to not say it all, i'm sure it won't look as important tomorrow...
But what if saying it changes something? What if leaving it unsaid can do worse than saying it?
Remeber the bold get it done... Usually there are few mistakes you can't ammend, and when you can't fix them, well that's life telling you to move on, that that mistake was meant to be done and something good will eventually come from it. So i should work on getting things said but to ponder before i say them...
Confrontation can be a big weapon, and it can frighten people, some run, some fight, others just sit down and cry... Worse that can happen is when you go head to head with someone that you misjudged, this can severely fuck you up...
confusion...

flight attempt #2 - Outcome

Phoenix...
I tried, i gave my best. I went with an open chest and expectations... Well, i crashed. I didn't burn though.
As i tried to live life instead of telling about it, it became obvious that i need something extra to stop this inertia.
If you throw yourself at life with any expectations it will always kick you in the face. That's what i did, i thought i could pull it off, i couldn't...
Life was stronger, as it showed me that the bold get their way and shy get, well nothing...
4.2 to nil...

constant thought #3

self abhor...
I loathe myself... i was going to say too often, but i mostly loathe myself most of the time.
This has led me to self destructive behaviour in the past. I thought i had buried this long ago. But i was wrong... I has shaped it self more elegantly now, but still it's present.
I fight my self destructive behaviour on a daily basis, to fight the recklessness that is me...
In the past it was obvious, now it's camouflaged, harder for other people to see but i still feel it...
I fear that i will succumb to it, to, once again, fall into it and embrace it. I must taste it's sweet poison to feel alive, but stop it before it takes me...
Self destructive behaviour appeals to me like a lilly to a bee, so i must starve and grow out of its habit...
self...

flight attempt #2

stories...
I will again attempt flight. I will try to stop the inertia of telling tales and i'll try to start collecting them again... I am expecting Icarus to win this one, but as always amist this darkness i always see hope, and hope... i hope for phoenix... i doubt it, and once doubt is cast upon a future event hardly can it succeed...
I will try my best to cast away all hope, doubt and expectations in order to actually live a story again, i've done it before, i hope i can do it again... See the cicle in this? i hope to abandon hope. it's a though thing to handle...
always...
unexpected outcomes...

random thought #26

mistakes...
Maybe it's too soon to write about this one, but i must express this part now and if more comes later the more i'll write on it.
_

I've come so close, it's almost hard to believe

When you're up close, it blinds you brilliantly

Just one rush can change your life forever

Just one push can end it all together

Why can't we learn from the plague that surrounds us

Learn from my mistakes

Learn from this mistake

Learn from our mistake

Learn from their mistakes

There's no shoulder to cry on when you have no shame

There's no finger to point when you are to blame

Open book, in my eyes shows you rain, then storming

I can't look, when covered by the nothing and the suffering

_

These aren't my words, their Phil's. This is a song i hear often. He expressed the feeling inside much better than i ever could.

Somehow i can't learn from most of my mistakes. I keep making them... over and over and over again... Phil was talking about heroin, i'm mostly talking about you, and you... i still want you...

I think that i can't learn from the mistakes that are connected with emotions, but i'm wrong, i can't learn from mistakes period.

I should write them down, and look at them everymorning so i would be aware of them. But it's a long list and i think it would be a painful first thing to see in the morning. I do keep them present in my mind. In hope that i rememeber them and don't make the same mistake yet again...

mistakes...

random thought #25

hurt...
To most people i am the now. To some i am the then. To none, that i know, i am the afterwards.
My past... that huge shadow that still haunts me, and most likely always will. Not that i feel its weight, just that sometimes like pavlov's experiences i react. Actually i panic.
I've recently discovered that i have a phobia, i fear hurting people. Now, most people don't like to, i fear it...
Being the way i am i can hurt people easily, in the past because i simply didn't care about others, being frontal and sincere can hurt people, not all people are prepared to hear what you have to say ( yes your words not mine ). But why? Because of trust. Respect comes before trust, and serves as pillow for it, catching it everytime i hurt someone. Today wasn't a good day for this, i've hurt people, more than one... And as odd as it seems i feel bad about it, i honestly do. It's like a phobia, i can't control it. I hurt you, and then feel hurt myself ( not guilty, just hurt ), because people, or most of them, don't deserve to be hurt, and i hate, strong word but fully appliable, myself for doing it. It revives the past, stirs my soul and torments my sleep...
sorry...

random thought #24

logic...
I am a logical being. My life trained me to be a rational persona.
My choice of habit led me to see black, white but no shades of gray. I still see them but when asked i blind myself to them.
0
1
The world i know is made of logical structures, this has, as i've recently discovered more and more, great disavantages in the 'real' world, people aren't logical. They can't be predicted, expected... Merely accepted.
When pushed i fall back to logic, to reason. Sounds nice doesn't it? It's not. It makes me a cold person, it makes it hard to relate, to understand feelings to sense people...
Finally i, think, have found the reason to why just feeling something is so hard for me, because i need to back it up with reason, and emotions are in the grey shades not in the black and white spectre of things...
Recently i felt, but because of recklessness not of reason. the other me, the one that's always struggling to comeout and play. To fuck me up...
Arguments can't rely on logic or reason to be argued, but rather on self control of emotions, on the ability to feel the other person, not reason...
emotions...

flight attempt #1

phoenix...
I tried... i honestly did... i once again made the mistake of having expectations. Expectations fuck things up.
I opened my wings, flapped them once, twice and i felt confident, confident that i could fly. Deluded by past experience, thus creating expectations... However with each failled gush of words came reality, that cold and cruel being...
Soon i began to fall... I wasn't that high up in the air but still i was falling, when i thought the ground was near it receded... i looked and my wings had not feathers but wax...
icarus...

random thought #23

ways...
Long ago at the age of fifteen my heart broke for it's first time, then i pledged to myself: my way or no way. I remember this pledge often, and live by it. But someone pointed out recently that in the real world things don't always abide to your will. Usually i would bend them to.
Ten years later and many mistakes later, i've to realize that i maybe it's time to reformulate this pledge.
We all have ways, i have ways that i like to work, things i like to do, ways to try and get myself to be productive, to get me out of bed... Most of them have ceased to work now...
I need something different, i need to change them, to change me. We all have a picture of the ideal life we'd live, but do so little to attain it...
There is a plan i wish i could follow but somehow i can't get myself to abide to it, because of my old ways, they always get in the way...
So what if i could just click, wake up one day have one final my way? To have my way with myself? To wake up and start living life the way i want to? will you be in it...
paths...

random thought #22

shame...
I wasn't ashamed of anything until a few years ago, not that i started doing less things that would make me feel ashamed of, just that somehow i changed how i perceived myself to others...
Now i'm changing, evolving if you will, wich means that there is a lack of standards, guidelines if you will...
This means that i can sometimes be ashamed and proud of the very same thing...
In the past i've commited what could be considered by some shameful things, i've hurt other people, let them down, trashed them, toyed with them, then i changed and was even regretful, then i pulled my pants up and became remorseless again. I feel ashamed for very few things in my present life, and none in my past. This raises the question, isn't today tomorrows yesterday? well yes but right now i can't think of it like that, i must take the whole of yesterday from the moment i've stopped and consider it as today.
I feel shameful, and regretful about one thing in my past, i lied a few lines back, those two things were decisive into making me a better person. i'm sorry...
Now, if the two things in my past that i'm not proud of brought me to a better me i'm thinking that shame can lead us to great improvements, shame could potentially be the catalyst for the learning of mistakes...
fragile...

random thought #21

history...
There was a time when i used to be making my own history instead of telling it... These past times seems that the world tore itself in half, half living their stories, others talking about them.
I used to be more of 'writer' of my own history, now i can't seem to be able to start living again...
Inertia, inertia is a fucked up thing, because it works brilliantly well. When you get a little push into something you need less strength to carry on doing it, so if was to get a little push into writing my own history again, would i be able to keep on writing it? will you be in it...
But right now the inertia of telling it runs at a fast pace, so the push would have to be immense, i think i chose to stop, and push myself into not living anything new, i'm not sure tough...
inertia...

random thought #20

substance...
sometimes i run dry... i can honestly feel hollow inside. others that i'm so filled that i end up just spilling it all out...
I'm talking about feelings, conversations, little chats, knowledge. There are times where i just know what to say, when jokes just come out, knowledge just seems to seamless. Other times however i'm blank. Honestly there's nothing i can think of that seems relevant... i want you
This usually happens when i don't want to bore others with me, with my irrelevant day to day activities, i often think that i am wrong in assuming that people don't want to know about me... do you care?
Looking back i see that people also behave like this, just not so often and not for so long. I feel like i am utterly without substance, interest... and altough i know it's not true i still can't help myself from feeling it... need to know...
hollow...

random thought #19

express...
when i'm down i can usually express myself well, when i'm up i can get other to express themselves, when i'm in between i can't do either... for a long time i've struggled with the need to express myself when i need to, but i can't seem to... i want you
sometimes i try to push myself to but i end up fucking it up, either i say what i don't mean, or i can't say it all i want you
other times i can really express myself, but since i can easily loose myself i get the feeling i'm being egocentrical and want to listen instead of speaking... i need you
i often fuck up on account of this... must devise a way to be able to keep this in a more linear way, to be able to at least keep my mouth shut and not fuck up... Lately i've almost accomplished this but i still can't express what i want to...
confess...

random thought #18

perfect imperfection...
i wonder if i'm making the mistake of searching for perfection, i don't think so but it is time to consider this paradox...
If i can learn to love imperfection, without accepting that it can't be improved, maybe i can be a step closer to happiness. Because ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is just a big headache...
But seriously why can't i or most people accept the little imperfections of life that make everything beautiful. What would a scarr look good if it wasn't for it's story...
i am imperfect, a lot, but i have to choose which traits of myself i'll consider something to be worked on, and which ones make me me...
If i can enjoy a perfect moment why can't enjoy an imperfect one? see this is an infinite loop, ' if i could like imperfect moments as much as i do perfect ones it would be perfect'. So assuming that we all search for some kind of perfection, why not settle and accept that something are perfect in its imperfection...
imperfection perfection...

random thought #17

repetition...
I've been here before. Today it just came to me. I've been at this crossroad before, twice to be more precise. Last time i didn't see the crossing at all i just sped by it.
Now i've seen the signs, and pull over for a cigar while considering the options. Last two times it was easy however it was a mistake to not have considered things.
Today i was 18 again, everything was pretty much the same just quieter, and i was in the place where i was when i was 18, 8 years have past since and i find myself in the same place. Older, with less hair, more weight and scarred from the journey here. With the experience these years gave me, with what i've lived i can now halt and think. I'm beginning to think that it's pointless to do it but i still wanna try it.
circles...

constant thought #2

alternatives...
running away has always been an option in my head, i never tried to acomplish it. When i was younger, a teenager, i often thought about it. My mind was filled with images of typical runaway kids. But my rationality always got the better of me, it told me to stay and study, get a job start a life, decide later...
But this thought comes and goes, altough now it's no longer filled with teen ideas of the world but rather a fresh start away from everything and everyone... It scares me...
But i see consider it a valid option to suicide or pushing trough life like this, i'm stuck in a 'downward spiral'...
Should i run away and how would things be, would it really be better if i did? What would it change? how would i live? Is it possible that i still have the strength to run away? I used to be so much stronger, impulsive... Nowadays it's as if my mind is letargic, consumed by it's voices and it's own randomness...
run away...

random thought #16

something i can never have...
peace... you had issues when we met, i took them from you, i've hid mine for so long... ignored them let them grow.
Now i began harvesting them, they are mature, unbearable.
For long i've controlled myself with hate, succumbing to the hatred inside of me letting it shape me. Like a dead rose with fresh thorns.
I endured your deamons, consumed them. Now i can't face my own... And you can't see it, can't even imagine it, or better put care about it. I am what i am, but my issues are me, i don't want to be me...
I have the million voices inside my head telling me a million different things. I hear them and kill them one by one, until there is only one left, me.
Like a scarred stone heart i try to cope with everything and realise that it's but an illusion. Time heals, no. The mind heals. I need time to collect myself only to come to a point where i'll click and be ok? no...
fate? karma? people? none of the previous... I, me. Me and me alone brought this upon my tormented soul, sounds cliché doesn't it? its not. I single handed pushed every single person that cared away, few remain clueless about what's happening because of my biggest flaw, emotions and dealing with them. i suffer... i rejoice...
Sometimes i ask myself, should i rebel? should i embrace or should i understand my disturbed soul.
I've scarred it so many times, but you... you didn't leave a scar, i took yours and kept mine... I see you happy scarrless and it makes me sad to know that i can't be like that.
I burst, i feel an immense madness surging inside me, i cry and shut it down...
why can't i just let go... why must i hurt people, why must i believe them... why can't i just act the way i think...
at last my heart is finally frozen, cleansed from the taste of your lips, your hips, and your tears but still frozen it is, why can't it burn in a safe harbor...
dead roses aren't pretty...

random thought #15

strength...
strength is a quality i had. something i took for granted. with time life took it from me. Bit by bit, situation by situation life has shaped me fragile...
the more people depend on me the less strength i have, the more i dig for more strength, the weaker i feel...
i need me!
weakness...

random thought #14

focus...
i heavily rely on my ability to focus to work. also because i've trained this for a long time now, i've come to depend on it to perform common tasks. Problem is when your ability to focus drops to never seen lows...
Lately my focus has been sparce and largely unfocused which means that i can't concentrate on one single task at a time, i multi-task but i can't focus... Leading me to procrastination, it's not that i mean to do it but rather i fall into it without being able to climb out of it.
Procrastination has been a big issue for me since time immemorial, i've been able to erradicate it a few times for short periods of time. It's my single, most important 'enemy'.
Every day, and night, i try to devise new ways of defeating it, without success...
focus on procrastination...

random thought #13

self...
recently i've been said that you should allow your emotions to rest. i had never seen things in this light.
So after some reflection, as is usual nowadays, i've come to the conclusion that it's mostly right. I must first and foremost cleanse myself from past emotions in order to be able to feel new clean ones. So far this has presented several problems, the loneliness, the feeling of closure, random sadness, ups and downs and worse of all confusion.
This has had several negative effects in my persona, the most relevant one is the apparent lack of motivation, i easily become immersed in my own thoughts and wonder away from things that have to be done. And this happens because they seem irrelevant when opposed to the well being of my mind.
I see all of these times as a big dust cloud that was swept by a huge wind that has suddently come to an halt... Now it's settling, slowly but steadily...
I feel it's progresses and even looking back a few weeks i can see that i am much better much more 'myself'. But still i haven't come to terms with fitting both sanity - happiness and productivity all in my daily routine.
I can achieve two out of three and while for most people it would suffice it doesn't for me. Call me greedy but i need to have the three which led me to the idea that i should reformulate the three so i could aim, not lower, but sideways.
It is clear now that in the past i've never let my heart to glue itself together with time. After each morning i can feel it to beat stronger, cleaner as if it was getting it self ready to be broken again. Wich it's more than ok, i want it to break again, i hope it doesn't but i'm willing to take risks.
Heart...

random thought #12

nostalgia...
nostalgia has become a great part of myself. I spend way too much brain power dwelling on it. The problem is the past makes me who i am, so i'm trying to incorporate the past in me without actually thinking about it. So it becomes and intrinsic part of my persona and not a sentinent one. The biggest problem with the past is that it easily pours memories, and memories are usually pleasant, or seldomly painful, wich means that you get stuck in them because time has the ability to make things look more intense, so if it's a good memory it becomes even better and in the same logic a painful one becomes even worse. That's why it always seems like the past is always better than the present, altough it rarely is. I only want what i don't have, and don't give enough credit to what i do have.
This has to be one the most important changes in me, to want what i have and fight for what i want, without dwelving into what i had.
optimism...

random thought #11

disturbance in the force...
Sometimes when you see a person she has the ability to invoke emotions you thought hidden in you. Sometimes these emotions are good sometimes bad. I amazed myself today. And also got an answer to one of my most pertinenent questions...
The answer is, yes i is me! I cannot explain this, but consider this situation: you walk into a pub expecting a fight with 20 drunk marines, prepare yourself to face some very painful emotions, and when you enter the pub you're neo, you can see the matrix and you can control your emotions, control what you feel, and furthermore you don't need to.
Why?
Because now that most dust is settled i am me. And me is alot stronger and steadier than i thought altough this still carries some issues regarding the ability to feel that in the past i've seem to forget and then remember. Now i want to feel, but to be able to take it carefully.
the force is strong...

random thought #10

tired...
I'm tired of the current state of things. Looking inside i can see that often in my life i grow tired of things sooner than later, meaning that i tire from things at regular intervals. I can honestly say now that i can see a pattern, i grow tired of a job after two years, of a car after six months, of a game after 2 weeks... Now altough this is on average i still grow tired of them... I don't want to, i want to be rational about it but i can't seem to. I'm now working on this by pushing things further to get a sense of actually finishing something, to stay with something for a long time, why? because it's rewarding...
boredom...

random thought #9

petals...
Today i realized that people are afraid of showing themselves, it's not just me. The way i saw it was, i really know someone but sometimes that person is so afraid of showing herself that she hides in a defensive barrier so thick that to the untrained eye would seem that she's really like that. Wich means that if you like and know that person you have to see trough the thick smoke.
Applying this to me meant that i had to listen to what i was to someone else. People are but a flower with petals, consider that each petal is a reaction to a situation and that you can change these petals to fit your wishes. So if i usually react like this why should i react differently?
Because people hurt you. but they also make you happy...
It's a big dealema.... Also i'm coherent with myself but most people arent... Worse people that behave in a way then change to another without explanation... this hurts... lately pain is present in most my actions and still i keep my petals intact with hope that someone will understand them and won't rip them apart... and if someone does i'll grow them back a bit different but still coherent and true. Altough i am now a bigger me and more confident i fear that my petals will change into colours i do not wish to have. This would mean that i would again be cold and when your cold your petals start falling one by one and are replaced with thorns....
Let me keep my petals...
petals...

random thought #8

pain...
Pain is the one feeling we all know, it's makes life hard to cope with...
I feel pain right now due not being able to be what i want to be, because i can't control my own mind, because i fought so much to feel again that i forgot that with feeling came pain...
Pain... the downside of me... pain made me what i was it will make me what i'll be but it doesn't make who i am. I need the pain to feel... its easier to not feel, but not to feel feels awfully cold and lonely, feelings are all made of pain with different colours...
pain...

random thought #7

memories...
Memories fuck me up, i see the past as a necessary thing in order to learn however memory often hurts me. This pain has been a constant for the past years of my life, i've never learned to deal with it.
Memories have deamons, they can be deamons of guilt, deamons of remorse, deamons of the great 'what if' and deamons of good memories of better times.
I've fought all of them, and won most. However sometimes they come back to fuck with my mind. And no matter how many times i come to terms with them they always comeback.
Memories are thorns in my soul.
I hear them, i feel them, i remember them, i smell them, i can almost touch them... memories are made of emotions and a mix of images, words and strange sensations.
Sometimes i dwell in the past for too long, it's better now but still i often wonder too much in them.
The past....
What happened makes me who i am, and i've come to accept who i am. I am what my memories make me...
Deamons...

random thought #6

pace...
Rhythm defines who we are and most of our lifes. The way we pace ourselves defines the way we interact with others, if your pace is too high for most people, then most people will have difficulties in both dealing with you and accepting you. Now this silogism may seem right, but it's not enterily true. You can easily interact with others of different pace better than you can with those who have the exact same pace as you, i have no idea to the why, but i've observed this many times. As if two notes that are so synced they collide. Pace defines how we flow through life and this means that if you set it too high you'll burn fast, set it too low and you don't get to live.
I know both paces, experienced them myself and am now trying to reach a compromise of both, i have plenty of examples of low rhythm around me. People that live simple lifes at very slow speed, flowing through life like a still pond, and when you interact with them it's like a huge rock hits the pond, some enjoy it, some are afraid, most just feel confused and try to calm things down.
Pace is one of reasons people disagree so much, because pace causes discrepancies amongst people, the speed at wich you speak and communicate may not be understandable by the other party.
Rhythm...