random though #71

Lately it's been worse that ever. 

Like an epiphany it came. I made a mistake that i will never be able to undo. And now i'm stuck with it.

Today i'm feeling the worse i've been in a very long time, but the worse is that it feels to me like it's going in a downward spiral when it should be the other way around...

All i can think about is how to end all this, but i think that at the moment i don't even have the strength to do that...

Tomorrow will be worse because not only it's one more day with myself but also because my mask will have to be back on and all shiny and polished for the world and in the hope that the mask becomes me... oh how i hope that the mask becomes me...

desperate...

random thought #70

depressed...

I don't think I've ever felt this depressed in my life.

I chose to use this word for the first as an acknowledgment of my depression, i will no longer lie to myself and say that i'm just having a bad day or that i'm just feeling down. 

I'm depressed.

It's the little things that get me down the most that seem to drain my energy and will.. I've said here more than once that i think that it would help me to seek professional help but i just can't bring myself to do it, i don't have the energy...

All i want is to disappear, to fall asleep and to not awake, to get hit by a bus, a plane something...

depressed...