14.3.11

random though #77

Somehow I tried...
Somehow this time I did things well...
Somehow I failed again...

I stand here a broken man, I invested myself, gave everything I had and what I didn't have all for nothing...
I walked through my darkest alleys, I walked through my deepest fears, I surpassed myself to become me, when I set out to find me. I walked, I stumbled, I fell and I got up and kept going until I managed to find myself in the darkest place of myself. I survived myself, I survived you, I tried and soon realized it wasn't that way that I should be going, I turned and walked, with myself.
I was well, I was myself, I was good I was, at peace...
Until that crossing where I looked and saw you, you looked utterly perfect, I walked the other way for fear of what would become of me if I looked again, but I couldn't, you stood there looking at me looking at you...
I ran, I chase, I gave, I did, I... I... I loved....

Now I stand here a broken shadow of the man I found in myself, looking to a life without meaning, not knowing if I should start walking again or just stop... just stop...
I know not how to atone what I feel, how to cope with the loneliness that I thought I had left alone in a dark alley...
Devoid of strength, devoid of will, devoid of self I stand at this crossing waiting, waiting for something I can never have, something that turned the other way...

Utterly broken and alone I stand at this crossing fallen on my knees trying to gather strength to get up and get going, but at every merry direction I came upon I see you, You invade my thoughts like a wicked whim of heart...
Unsure if I should just say fuck it all, if I should just run after you no matter what, or if should just resign that life will never be...

broken...
wingless...
aimless...

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