random thought #55

running away...
When i was a kid i always wanted to run away. It was the 90's and there were a lot of references to it, nowadays it doesn't make much sense... But then it seemed like a very valid solution. Back then it wasn't suicide it was running away from everything. Just picking some of your stuff in a back pack and start walking wherever life took you.
I'm glad i didn't, it allowed me to become a good person, to have what i have today.

Realization...
This past nine months made me realize that i love you. It took all this time, all these mistakes to understand that. And although we're no more and you've moved on, and i'm happy that you're happy, it somehow saddens me that i couldn't come where i am now without all of this.
It's a common saying that it's not the destination of the trip that matters but the journey, but as enjoyable or profitable (in a personal sense) it might be, what's the point if you arrive at a wasteland?
This is hardly the end of my journey but it's a big milestone, this realization. The amount of times i think of you, and now i don't think of the things that you gave me, of the love that i felt or what you were to me. I feel the need to cherish you, to spoil you, to make you smile, to give you all that you might need.
All this made me realize that this is the closest to love i've ever been. To want to give without even wanting to receive... But this journey also made a different person. And sadly, a sadder one since i've lost you.

Fresh start...
The expression fresh start is just a prettier phrasing for running away. I'm 26 now i don't 'run away'. Nowadays it's called moving.
I could justify this move that will, most likely, make by professional progression, better quality of life, a more civilized country or even more money. But none of the previous really matter. Honestly they don't. They have their weight and they do help a lot, but it just seems pretty irrelevant when compared to love.
So i'm running away. I'm finally, after more than ten years, running away.
This wasn't really the way i had imagined it, i pictured it in much more 'grungy' frame, but i can't say that like this is worse.
I'm hoping that being far away can help things to fade in a more peaceful manner.

Wants...
I want a lot of things, i hope for even more. But knowing that most of them won't happen the way i want them to, i will effectively redo my wishes and adapt them to a new reality.

When i tried to put some distance between here and me it kinda felt good, peaceful but somehow i'm afraid...

sorry...