random thought #39

Almost...
Another battle lost...
The almosts of life are starting to fuck me... I mean i'm not used to this, i was used to taking risks, to make my move, to dive in... Not to wait, to ponder, to see what happens if i wait for things to happen by playing it safe. This is also not what i wanted... but as usual i do fuck up...
I don't want to be reckless, but i don't want to be motionless...

Ruins...
A shipwreck of what used to be me... That's how i feel... I went through a storm, and came ashore with my ship wreck, stranded in island of fears, indecision's and confusion. I don't want to be like this, i don't want to take the course of action i took lately. We all make mistakes, i make quite a lot, but i can't seem to behave differently, i almost had the chance to not fuck up, it was in front of me twice, and twice i did, fuck up... I saw it, i thought about it, it was crystal clear, and apparently i chose to open my mouth and fuck it up...

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, not because i'm hurt, not because i fucked up, not because i hate myself, but because i need closure, and i almost got it...
I need to closure, patience and to begin to form me...
I'll cry myself to sleep because i'm sad, honestly sad, maybe it's an effect of closure we never want to close memories in a box, but sometimes we must. And this is one of those times, i need to cleanse myself of me to be able to get control of things...
Or i will have to admit that i'm train wreck, that i am indeed reckless and that's how i'll be less sad. I need me...
lost...