random thought #16

something i can never have...
peace... you had issues when we met, i took them from you, i've hid mine for so long... ignored them let them grow.
Now i began harvesting them, they are mature, unbearable.
For long i've controlled myself with hate, succumbing to the hatred inside of me letting it shape me. Like a dead rose with fresh thorns.
I endured your deamons, consumed them. Now i can't face my own... And you can't see it, can't even imagine it, or better put care about it. I am what i am, but my issues are me, i don't want to be me...
I have the million voices inside my head telling me a million different things. I hear them and kill them one by one, until there is only one left, me.
Like a scarred stone heart i try to cope with everything and realise that it's but an illusion. Time heals, no. The mind heals. I need time to collect myself only to come to a point where i'll click and be ok? no...
fate? karma? people? none of the previous... I, me. Me and me alone brought this upon my tormented soul, sounds cliché doesn't it? its not. I single handed pushed every single person that cared away, few remain clueless about what's happening because of my biggest flaw, emotions and dealing with them. i suffer... i rejoice...
Sometimes i ask myself, should i rebel? should i embrace or should i understand my disturbed soul.
I've scarred it so many times, but you... you didn't leave a scar, i took yours and kept mine... I see you happy scarrless and it makes me sad to know that i can't be like that.
I burst, i feel an immense madness surging inside me, i cry and shut it down...
why can't i just let go... why must i hurt people, why must i believe them... why can't i just act the way i think...
at last my heart is finally frozen, cleansed from the taste of your lips, your hips, and your tears but still frozen it is, why can't it burn in a safe harbor...
dead roses aren't pretty...